It’s been a little over a week since NYE and I’ve had a lot of time to think about what the rollercoaster of emotion I’ve felt since then means.

I finally cleaned up my closet and dresser today. Both had been left with pieces of the outfits I changed in and out of on NYE strewn about. It was just too raw for me to deal with before I had a chance to process, and if I had addressed the piles before today I would have entered a purge mode and thrown it all in sacks without mercy or consideration to be given away.  With a calmer mindset I was able to divide it according to usefulness: some of it went to Miriam, some went into storage, some stayed in my closet. A lot of it is going to the thrift store. So there.

Here’s a thing about my closet: Miriam was shocked by how much clothing I had accumulated recently, and she pointed out that my body will change through this process in ways I can’t know for sure, so it’s a bit early to buy an entire wardrobe. I don’t have a large closet to begin with so it seems a bit silly to give so much of it to things I don’t regularly wear. This all makes sense, right? Intellectually, anyway. This is the lesson I’m trying to learn and share: don’t buy that $2,000 guitar before you start taking lessons. Or: don’t buy the entire Adobe creative suite before you play around with design a bit. Or: the time to buy a wardrobe specifically for yoga workouts is after several months of dedicated attendance at classes you enjoy.

Don’t focus on the ideal. Focus on the now, the real.

Save your time, your money, as much of your resources as you can so you have a reserve to draw from in your journey. There are so many resources out there for transfolk now and it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have it all figured out, but it’s an itinerary that needs to adapt with you. Tastes change, bodies change, and situations change. While I want to know I have something to work with when those moments come, I also need the flexibility of uncertainty. I need to not know exactly where I’m going because if I say, “This is where I plan to end up,” then I’ve created an ideal I might not reach and that could break my heart and my spirit. The tailored fit is good in the present but the general cut is more forgiving in the longer term.