I began rereading Whipping Girl today and was struck by an idea as I reflected on the idea of identity. One of the things I’ve been trying to work through over the past few years is the idea of owning my feminine identity, making it genuine and an expression of who I actually am instead of a composite of ideals I’d like to be. I sometimes wince when Miriam calls me by the feminine name we decided upon- Madeline- because Madeline isn’t me; she’s a character.

So it hit me that I could probably get along just fine using my real name, Dylan. It’s not a common name for a woman, though it’s been recently popular (though I fear it’s mostly among the sort of people who name their daughters Madison, Dakota, or Ashlynn) and was used for girls before I was born (Dylan Lauren, daughter of designer Ralph, was born in ‘74).

Big light bulb. Moment of clarity. I don’t need to be a character with a different name. I’m already who I am. I am Dylan.

Helpfully, my middle name works as a woman’s name too. So what does this mean, if I decide to run with the idea of keeping with my given name?

–No confusion among friends and family, no getting used to a new name or “slipping” and calling me by my old name.
–No sense of detachment from my past and my “old self” that comes with a name change.
–No legal wrangling to change my name on documents, no break in my employment history where Dylan suddenly becomes Madeline.
–A name that sounds “comfortably queer” to me– Madeline felt a little more femme than I am, while Dylan says short hair but groomed brows,  just the right balance of the elements in me.