“I feel like a color-blind person trying to understand the concept of colored images.”

My dad. Gotta appreciate the effort.

He and I have been emailing and mailing letters over the past couple of months as he begins to try and understand what I’m going through. I’ve always appreciated my father’s clear desire to understand and sympathize. When I first broke the news about being trans back in the late 90s, he listened patiently as I nervously explained what I was feeling and never once flinched or stumbled. He missed the point (“Oh, so you’re gay!”  ”Er, not… really… at least, not in the way you’re thinking.”) but it was obvious that he wasn’t going anywhere and was willing to work at understanding.

It’s hard for me to think of gender in anything but postmodern, third-wave feminist terms, so I’m trying to build a bridge between the two understandings: mine and my dad’s. He has repeatedly mentioned that for him gender is an innate thing, no different than biological sex. To vary in presentation from that gender is either silly playing around or sexually charged homosexual expression. That someone would go beyond some makeup and a dress to do something so permanent is a cognitive roadblock for him.

He also worries that I’ll make a transition and then regret it. I appreciate the message behind this: he’s being protective as a parents. However, I’m 32. I’ve known the clinical term for my situation for over a decade. I’ve been expressing myself through appearance for at least seven years more than that. And, most importantly, I’ve felt identifiably Not Right since my earliest memories at the age of 3 or so. To wit: I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with what I am. I need to help illustrate all of this to him so that even if he can’t understand it he can accept it.

I have high hopes for where I’ll be able to get to with my dad. His responses are often guarded in their language– he worries about offending me, and I think he worries about just letting go with his feelings– but the intent is clear: he isn’t going anywhere and he’s willing to work at understanding.

Thanks dad; I love you.