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Or not

I meant to write this post over the weekend but was caught up in so many fun little projects I’m only getting to it now. Anyway: that appointment with the endocrinologist? Did not happen. I’ll set the scene:

9 AM. A mid-sized university town the in the midwest.
(Phone rings)
Dylan: Hello?
Receptionist: Hi. The doctor is delivering a baby this afternoon. No drugs for you today.
Dylan: Ha ha um. Well, babies will happen, I suppose. So… reschedule then?
Receptionist: Yes. How about… a month and a half from now?
Dylan: …Er, that’s August, right?
Receptionist: Yep! Does that work?
Dylan: Sh- sure.
Receptionist: Super! See you then!

All that anxiety for nought. When Miriam and I processed it we ended up dubbing the experience “Anxiety Blue Balls”, borrowing a term based on a supposed painful result for men of not reaching orgasm during sex. No release, in other words.

On the better side of things, which is to say the side where I’m not at the whim of other peoples’ schedules, I began working on my voice this weekend. I’m using “Finding Your Female Voice” from Andrea James. It’s a bit amateur in the editing/production end of things, but that’s fine with me; the cat wandering through the room or the cheesy new age transition music are charming. The exercises and explanations are well crafted, and though the sounds scared the hell out of my cats I found it easy to follow and had good results from the hour or so I spent watching the video. So much so, in fact, that when I finished my lessons I found it very hard to come back down to a male voice. (“Oh shit,” I thought, “I really need to not be stuck like this… work will be interesting if I come in with a chatty femme voice.”) Anyway: highly recommended.

1. I think I’m beginning to realize that I feel more genderqueer than “classic trans.” I really want to buzz my (thinning, receding) hair again to reclaim my ownership of identity and appearance. I’d love to wear androgynous, body-conscious clothing in layered shades of black and grey, have pierced ears and plucked brows, remove my beard permanently, shave my head, keep my name, not have to fake a voice, save my money, avoid dangerous medical procedures, love my wife, love my self.

2. I put a finger on the feeling of anxiety I have surrounding blogging, using facebook, flickr, twitter, or any of the other Web 2.0 standard practices. I hate feeling guilty for not producing content. So I’m stopping as of now, because it’s OK to not participate in the grand sharing of every moment of my life with the world. I can have secrets.

3. I’m exploring DJing again, something I swore I was through with when I sold off the last pair of turntables. Thank goodness you can do it all on the computer now. I’m really looking forward to rocking my sister’s birthday party, and the release from needing to keep up with the latest and greatest that I used to practice as a techno DJ is exciting. I can play across multiple decades and genres guided not by egos to be stroked but by hips to be shaken.